to give love

I've been in a yucky mood again...
or would that be still??? Anyway, i have been sitting around on my ass a lot, so i saw these wonderful movies!!! Last night i watched House Of Flying Daggers, and tonight i watched The Sea Inside. I loved them so much. My mom was all like...are you watchin another "farin" movie? And i was just like "yeah". Gosh, sometimes she gets on my nerves. She was trying to tell me about something while i'm reading subtitles and just trying to take in the whole movie, and she gets all pissy cause i wanted her to tell me later! It is time for me to get out of here...to quit letting her take care of me so much!!!! Anyway, my next must-see movie will be Hustle And Flow.

Current Mood: glad, so damn glad its Friday
Current Music: Remedy by Black Crows

So this gorgeous woman came into the office today...
after the nurse wrote down gorgeous woman's height and weight...i peeked at it. She is exactly 2 1/2 lb's heavier than me, and 2 1/2 ninches shorter than me...and she was fucking yummy looking. It's just that it made me realize......hey, maybe i am not so terrifyingly fat-n-ugly? Maybe i am kinda-O-Kay looking. It's a start. I almost cried from happiness. ( :

Current Mood: yay!!!
Current Music: wenthegoingetstuffromthegetgogomangoobrothernotanothermother

About that last entry...
We did go to the Masquerade, and it was full of sexy, beautiful people having fun, but i felt out of place, as i usually do. I puked in the parking lot before we even got inside...tried to save $ by drinking a 6 pack and 1/2 of Smirnof in the car, instead of buying drinks inside. Anyway, the sad thing is that i puked before any alcohol was able to get into my system. But i watched Michael dance for a little bit (i can't dance w/out drugs and or alcohol!) then i went outside, and some cute guy told me i could go home with him if i wanted to...i was so flattered, but i was like no i can't, the person i'm with is still inside. So, the next weekend, we went to MJQ! I fucking loved it! There were 2 new rooms...i guess to fit the mood that you are in according to the music. We danced and kissed and made out and touched, and talked. I told him i wanted to find a girl and watch him make out w/ her, and he said "I want to make out with my Wiz first"...so sincere <3 Was very sweet, but i still want to find a cute girly to play with next time we go! ; )

Current Mood: giggly
Current Music: Masocistic Beauty by Marvin Gaye..spelling???

OMFG!!!...um, sorry God...
I can't believe i am going to the Masquerade tonight!!! I'm usually sitting at this computer reading about all the fun stuff going on...going man, i wish i was there. It's the Music Midtown after party!!! It's fucking free!!! The pretty ass guy from Interpol will fucking be there!!! Keane will fucking be there!!! I'm so fucking there!!! : )

Current Mood: "Heck Yes!"
Current Music: well, you know.... ; )

"What are you running from!?"..ha,ha,ha,ha,ha
I don't know if anyone actually still reads this boring stuff, but i'm updating anyway, just because i feel like it. ( : I took myself off of the Zoloft. The dizzyness i get from not taking it is going away, but i still have a headache that does not seem to be going away *pouts w/ sad puppy-dog eyes*

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: "RoseMary why can't they look the other way?" or something

Nothing too terribly exciting going on right now.
I am just trying to focus on my little job, and figure out what makes a good Mom, and learn how to love myself. It's hard when i have disliked and even hated myself for so long...hard to give myself a compliment or just tell myself "good job". As for work, sometimes i think they hate me, but then i often think that everyone feels that way about me, then all the sudden they are nice to me for no reason and i am puzzled about that.?. So, i want very much to know...What do you sexxxy lj friends of mine think makes a good Mom? What about a good Co-worker? Please do tell! Although i have not been on here lately, i think about you...all, well, o-kay almost all of you...yeah, even more so you! ( :

Current Mood: not too terrible : p
Current Music: some song on Star 94..."oh sympathy, where have you gone?"

I think my Med is working.
The bad thoughts have pretty much gone away, and i am sleeping a little better. Now, if i can stay awake during the day without constantly drinking capuccinos and cokes, and popping Excedrin Extra Strengths (has caffine in them) for breakfast and luch... ( :

Current Mood: better
Current Music: "little sister can't you find another way?"

CCCCCCCCCCCCaaaaaNNNNNNNNN'''''''''''''''''''''''''''tttttttttttttttt
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. My lovely boss gave me some samples of Zoloft for the depression. Didn't tell him what i tried to do last week, but i think they are helping. But,i think they may also be keeping me up. I care too much about what you guys, my co-workers, family,Michael and the kids,the patients,and strangers think, but what i think is always so insignificant. The other day i wore this hot head-band to work (didn't know head-bands could be hot did you?), well anyway i think it is, but at the end of the day when i was looking in the mirror and realized that no one had complimented me on it, i was like...this head-band is stupid. I'm not wearing it any more. Well, Michael said that i should figure out what is hot to me, so i think the stupid head-band is hot, so i am still wearing it. Yeah, i know it's pathetic, but it's for real.

Current Mood: bbbbbLLLLLaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Current Music: Christian Woman by Type O Negative

The other night i kind of tried to
...kill myself. I stole 3 of my Mom's Hydrocodones (the generic version of Lortab)and took them w/ 5 Tylenols, 9 Tylenol Sinus Night-Times, and 3 margaritas, and i cut my wrist the fuck up. But it was a sorry, lame attempt...a few pills too few and a few cuts too shallow. I was a fucking coward. Luckily i am feeling better this weekend, so i plan to get back on my anti-depression meds this week, because i never want to feel that sad, lonely, forgetable, invisible again. I guess i am telling any of you guys, because i feel like the people in my tangible life may make fun of me. Part of me still just wants to go to sleep and not wake up. If it were that easy...

Current Mood: none of the above
Current Music: "my shadow's the only one that walks beside me"...Green Day

My Mom got me the most kick-ass shoes for my B-Day!!! ( :

Current Mood: o-kay
Current Music: Good Charlotte...Hold On

So, i cut the-living-fuck out of my arms Monday night...
...(Don't worry Moon, it was not out of punishment. Was just expressing myself.) Unfortuneately i need to hide them from co-workers and family, so Michael noticed i have been wearing long sleeves and asked me what is on my arms that i am hiding, but he already knew. It scares him when i do this. But i like them. I told him that i made art on my arms. On my right arm are the chinese writings for peace, and on the left is the word peace spelled out in english...the funny thing is the way i did it, they didn't show up till a few minutes later, and it looks like piece instead of peace. Anyway, i told Michael that i long for peace, b/c there is a war going on in my head. He says he understands.

Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Dead Leaves On The Dirty Ground by White Stripes

O-kay, so, I've really missed you guys, but i am feeling a bit shy right now, so i am just going to
post in my own little journal right now. Well, I have really been sick of myself lately. I even told Michael that i hate my body & find it disgusting, and that he should have sex with any other woman who he may be attracted to, because i just can not do it right now. But he looked at me like i was crazy and said that he finds my body and self attractive and doesn't want anyone else. That was very sweet of him, but i was dead serious in my offer. Anyway, do you know how in many cartoons and movies there is almost always, like a, big dumb loveable character, a mean pretty character, and like a, dorky smart character...well, i think i am like the big dumb one. But i long to be the best of all 3...the loveable smart pretty character. But i guess that would just be a little too perfect and uninteresting?

Current Mood: shy
Current Music: The Promise by When In Rome

This week i have been feeling a little under the weather-mentally...
I couldn't understand why i was feeling so sad and empty...even had the urge to cut again as punishment. I have been thinking on and exploring all these different things that i like and enjoy. Then i realized how much i have been neglecting Michael and the boys...not in a harmful-not taking care of them kind of way, but i realized that it's been a while since i have just got down on the floor and played with them or just read a bedtime story to them. And it had been a long time since Michael and i sexxed, kissed, hugged or held hands. And i remembered how happy and full-filled it use to make me just to make and see them happy. But i have to find some type of balance between taking care of Michael's wants and needs, the boy's wants and needs, my own wants and needs, and growing more responsible on my job. It all seems a little over-whelming, but i know it can be done. I know i will figure it out!

Current Mood: little better than just o-kay
Current Music: Breathe by Fabolous

Everyone who knows me knows i'm not a smoker, but anyone who knows me well knows...
I like to have a Clove sometimes when i drink. Tonight when i went outside to smoke my Clove the whole night was lit up by the moon. I looked up and saw the full moon, and i actually, finally got to see the man in the moon people are always talking about...except i noticed that he is actually a lady in the moon. She was pretty with a friendly, warm smile on her face. She was looking right back at me! I just stood there and watched until the clove was almost down to the filter. I barely even got cold...i think b/c her warm smile kept me warm.
( :

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Outkast

I'm redecorating my bedroom...going to decoupage my dresser in 50's pin-ups...really <3 this 1...

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Morphine And Chocolate by 4 Non Blondes

This evening when i got home from work, Michael acted half way decent.
He actually waited until i got home to eat dinner with me. It made me kinda hot that he was actually a little thoughtful...well, it is the little things that count. I told him yesterday evening that he is so un-thoughtful. At least he's trying. I miss...lets just call her "D". She's not at work this week...went to Arkansaw for Thanksgiving. I wonder if she is thinking of me too?

Current Mood: cuddly

Took Sequoyah to see the Sponge Bob Movie on Friday night...
We enjoyed it, and it was raining so he got to wear his Spider Man poncho. After the movie, while waiting for Mom to pick us up at Stone Crest Mall this gay guy stopped me as we were walking by, and asked if i used to work for Kaiser and i smiled and said no. Then he was like have you ever lived in Texas? Again i smiled and said no, and he smiled and was like, you just look like someone i used to know, sorry. I laughed and said that's o-kay. I really wish that i had exchanged e-mails w/ him or something, because when i told Mom and Sis about it they said he was flirting with me...well, he was handsome (reminded me of the husband-to-be on Sweet Home Alabama...cute movie btw) and i do find gay guys to be dam'n hot, so i decided to believe them...maybe next time i will take it as that! Anyway, did anyone see the new Sponge Bob movie? Was that song at the end (Ocean Man) Ween? I'm gonna have to break out all my Ween c.d.'s this week...got a new alarm clock c.d. player w/ blue numbers...which i have wanted for some time now. It's good to be working again (and actually enjoy where i work). Btw, my crush is no longer on the Dr. I interact way more w/ his nurse and have gotten to realize how cute and sexy she is...besides (the Dr has said/done nothing inapropriate toward me) and that's o-kay. Wish she would though...i am horrible at first moves...well, i don't think i have ever tried so i don't really know?

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: 1-2-step by Missy Elliott ???

Have'nt had the self-esteem to update in a while, but here's a pic of my new SpongeBob scrubs!

Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: Snoop "Drop it like it's Hot"

Just a little updaty...
We had a pretty good time Halloween night. Took the boys trick-or-treating in my Dad's neighborhood in College Park. Got to see my Aunt and cousins i have not seen in a while, and a friend i used to hang out with. He was looking pretty well. My brother used to get into a lot of trouble with him...hope they are not headed that way this time. There was a house in C.P. all decked out for Halloween...coffin in the yard w/ a person jumping out, fog, creepy music, strobe lights...Sequoyah refused to go at first, but i carried him up there and he was like "oh" and realized there was nothing to be afraid of. Across the street was this guy standing on the corner holding a sign for a new restaurant...Jane's Icecream. His hair was in a mohawk and he had on this lacey white 80's dress and boots. God, he was gorgeous, but i was too scardey-cat to go up and flirt with him...i mean talk to him ;) Why do i punish myself so?

Current Mood: wondering...wanting
Current Music: The Walk by Cure

I made a Pooh-Pumpkin for the boys! Sequoyah will ba a ghost, Landon a spider, me a fairy of course!

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: you had a b/f who looked like a g/f i had in Feb. of last yr

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